The Truth About Dogs

Unanswered Internet Thread Anxiety

All night long

His suffering was into its 3rd day, with no sign of abating...

My current excuse for not achieving very much of anything. It's most impressive what you can find simply by searching for "Victorian deathbed scenes"...

Don't know much about history

Practically the only thing I agree with Boris Johnson about - the wonders that are to be found in reading "The Classics". This is about 20 pages or so before he describes the Persians' approach to taking important decisions - discuss when drunk, review conclusions when sober the next day. "Conversely, any decision they make when they are sober, is reconsidered afterwards when they are drunk".

Given our current government's woeful performance on so many issues, it's got to be worth a try..? 

Could Facebook "beheading" into trouble..?

The real reason Mary, Queen of Scots, had her head chopped off..

Instagram - Tudor style

A double dose of weak, history-plundering mockery of Facebook's ridiculous multiple standards. Couldn't decide which approach to the subject I preferred, so posted both.

Please feel free to indicate which version you despise less.

Keeping The Lights On

"You keep using that word...I do not think it means what you think it means"

"Oh Beard of Scotland..."

A lot of folk aren't going to like this, but...

Dear "Anonymous" people,

Surely home-made Rosa Parks masks would be a huge improvement - I mean, if you feel the need to wear a mask (and I can appreciate there may be times when some folk would prefer not to have their fizzogs scrutinised by whoever it is they're protesting against), then at least get a little creative with the symbolism, please?

And I know this'll offend a fair few, but in all honesty "V for Vendetta" was a pretty dire film, anyway. The original comic book made some sort of sense when it was released under Thatcherism, but the whole over-simplistic, straw man-laden, dystopian Chomsky-acolyte's-wet-dream that was the film version..? Dearie me, no.

Anyway, like I said, Rosa Parks masks. A whole sea of those facing the Cruisefarians..? Now that would be impressive.

p.s. From personal experience, I can heartily recommend referring to Scientologists as "Cruisefarians" if you should chance upon them in the street..apparently they don't have much of a sense of humour. Who knew?

Being Prime Minister Is Priceless, But For Everything Else...

"Truth in advertising". A rare commodity these days, sadly.

Michael Gove - A Cheeky Little Plucker

Everything on this blog is entirely true. Every bit. Oh yes.

But if anyone still has lingering doubts about the evidence for this bona fide KTEL classic, it's all here. Along with rather more information about our very silly Secretary of State for Education than could ever be strictly necessary...

Not the "Grammar Nazis". They're a different department.

Grand Theft Auto 5 - Tayside Edition

Ah yes, the incomparable joys of Dundee, the gleaming jewel of Tayside that a few years back gave £73,000 to a bunch of marketing consultants to change a slogan from "City of Discovery" to "One City, Many Discoveries".

Not at all a waste of £72,993.69, then.

Still, have to admit it was nice to see people queuing to get something from the "One City" that wasn't jam, chemotherapy, or a "peh".

(oh, and thanks to the folk at gta5hack.com for the handy GTA5 font)

Pliny the Elder's Book of Impractical Felines

With many apologies for the probably terrible Latin translation of "Can I Has Cheeseburger?".

A Short Course in Scottish Presbyterian Optimism, chapter 1

Historian, essayist & one-man-comedy-festival supreme, Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) genuinely regarded himself as a cheery, optimistic fellow. By our Scottish standards, anyway.

In praise of David Cameron

In the light of recent global events, the Maelstrom feels it must applaud prime minister David Cameron's public display of extreme personal fortitude, single-headedly attempting to restore Britain's once-great reputation in the international comb-over community. National pride in this most traditionally comedic of hairstyles has been slipping steadily since the 1960s, with slowly-balding men opting increasingly to have their heads shaved in the forlorn hope that it might make them a tiny bit like Bruce Willis,Samuel L. Jackson, or Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3.

To borrow from that least estimable of cat-impersonating baldness-deniers, George Galloway:

Mr Cameron, we salute your courage, your hairspray's strength, your in-de-fat-wig-ability.

Next: "Now anything's possible for the uninteresting" - The Maelstrom recognises Ed Miliband's contribution as a role model for the charismatically-challenged.